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If
you’re wondering about sex, you’re not alone. Everyone has sexual
feelings. The challenge is what to do with them!! Lots of us
wonder about what it would be like to experience different things, with
or without a partner, and when the right time will be to try them.
My
Aunt Lucia says it’s not just us teens that are making decisions about
sex, because we don’t make these kinds of decisions once and never
think about it again. Every relationship (no matter how old we
are), and every opportunity for sexual contact with another person is
an opportunity to make the right choice for ourselves.
If
that sounds like a lot to figure out, don’t worry, we’re here to
help. This section is designed to give you information and
resources to help you make your own decisions about sex throughout your
life. All sexual activity can affect your emotional and physical
health, so whether or not you have sex is a big decision. But by
educating yourself, you can make the choice that’s right for you.
If
you want to talk to someone after reading what I’ve written here, call
the Sexual Health Helpline at (877) MA-SEX-ED (877) 627-3933.
If you’re thinking about sex, I KNOW you have questions. If you’re cool
with talking to your parents, they can be a great place to get info,
but some teens are embarrassed or uncomfortable with that (and some
parents aren’t able to talk to their kids either). Luckily for me, I
have my Aunt Lucia to talk to—she’s a doctor and she’s totally
cool. I asked her about some questions I had, and here’s what she
told me:
What is sex?
Often people use the word “sex” when they mean having sexual
intercourse. In fact there is a huge range of things that people
do to feel pleasure, either by themselves or with their partner. For
more information on some sexual activities, click here.
Why do people have sex?
People have sex for lots of different reasons — to feel closer to their
partner, to take what may be the next step in their relationship and
because it feels good. The decision to start having sex is a very
personal one that should involve a lot of thought by both you and your
partner.
What is the relationship of sex to love?
Sometimes, for some people, sex enhances intimacy or makes them feel
more connected. Sex becomes not just about individual pleasure,
but about creating a bond with another person. This is why some
people wait for marriage, or some other serious commitment, to have
sex.
When is the right time to have sex?
The right time is when you feel ready and safe (like, when you know how
to avoid unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections or
STIs), and when you have a partner who will respect your decision to
stay safe.
My
cousin decided that she wasn’t going to have sex until she was married,
but just because that felt right for her, doesn’t mean that it felt
right for me. Just remember that you can choose what feels right for
you every time…even if you’ve already had sex, you can choose not to
have sex again until you’re ready.
How can I decide if I’m ready to have sex?
I had to ask myself some tough questions before I felt like I was ready
to have sex. Some things you can ask yourself are things like:
- Who
and what influences how you think and feel about sex? What values and
rules do you, your parents, and your family have about sex, dating and
relationships?
- Do you feel pressured by your partner or friends to have sex?
- Does faith or religion play a role in your decision to (or not to) have sex?
- Do
you want to be in love before you have sex? Do you feel like you need
to be in a relationship to have sex? Do you feel like you need to have
sex to be in a relationship?
- Is there a way to feel closer or more connected to your partner without having sex?
- Who can you talk to about the decision to have sex? Could you talk to parents, teachers, your doctor?
- Do
you feel comfortable talking to your partner in advance about his/her
health, past sexual history, history of STI and HIV testing, and
willingness to practice ‘Safer Sex?’
- Does
the person you are thinking about having sex with respect you as a
person, and are they willing and able to protect both of you from
pregnancy and STIs?
- Is this
a good time in your life for this to happen? Is anything going on
with your (or your partner’s) family, safety, emotions, or physical
health, that might make having sex right now more risky to you or your
partner?
- If using alcohol
or other drugs is part of your life, do you feel different about having
sex when are you high vs. when you are sober?
- Do
you plan on using birth control and condoms to avoid pregnancy and
STIs? Have you practiced using them? Are you comfortable using
them?
- Do you know
how to get access to condoms or birth control BEFORE you first have
sex…or emergency contraception, if you need it, afterwards?
- After
you’ve had sex, will you be upset if you and your partner have
different attitudes about what your sexual experience meant (like, is
it a symbol of commitment or is it just hooking up)? Are you prepared
to deal with your partner’s emotions even if they are very different
from yours?
- What if protection doesn’t work? Have you discussed this with your partner?
- Is
there someone you would feel comfortable talking to after you have sex
if it doesn’t or didn’t work out as you planned?
The
answers to these questions are different for everybody, and there are
no right or wrong answers to any of them. The way you answer them might
even change depending on your current situation or partner.
It
may seem overwhelming at first, but the bottom line is that the
question of whether you’re ready to have sex or not can only be
answered by you. You never have
to have sex: not because you turned someone on, not because you’re
turned on, not because you are dating, not because you think everyone
else is having sex, or even because you are married. Only have sex when
it’s right for YOU.
If you want to talk with someone about this decision, call the Sexual Health Helpline at (877) MA-SEX-ED (877) 627-3933.
When you’re thinking about having sex, it’s important to talk with your
partner about what you will do to prevent sexually transmitted
infections (STIs) and pregnancy. For information on options to prevent
pregnancy, click here. For information on how to prevent STIs, click here.
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The decision to not have sex is one that may not be easy for you to
make. We all have different reasons why we want or don’t want to have
sex, but the decision should always be
up to you. And if you don’t want to have sex, you’re not alone. About
half of teens in this country haven’t had sex when they graduate from
high school.
You might feel pressured to have sex before you are ready by your
friends or partners, or feel embarrassed or afraid to say that you
don’t want to have sex, but I know I respect my friends that make the
decision to wait. No one should ever pressure you to have sex if you
don’t want to or don’t feel ready, and there can be lots of good
reasons to wait to have sex, even if you have already had sex before.
Some people call the decision not to have sex, or delay having sex, abstinence,
but this word can mean lots different things to different people. Some
people use the word abstinence to mean not having vaginal sex, not
having any kind of sex (vaginal, oral or anal), or not having any kind
of sex until you’re married. Some people call themselves
‘abstinent’ when they decide not to have sex, even if they have had sex
before. Some people want to wait until marriage before having
sex, others just aren’t ready now but they may be in the future. To
learn more about delaying sex, or abstinence, click here. To learn more about my friend Thomas and his choice to be abstinent, click here.
You don’t have to explain your decisions about whether or not to have
sex to anyone. If someone asks you, you can just say what you feel
comfortable saying. You might feel more comfortable talking about your
decision if you practice by saying it out loud a few times first, or
writing it down.
If you need help or advice, it’s important to find someone to talk to
who you trust to be open and honest, and give you the right
information. Parents, friends, siblings, cousins, a cool aunt or uncle,
teachers, religious figures, your doctor and counselors are just some
of the people you can go to for advice.
Don’t be afraid to find someone you trust and ask them the questions
that are on your mind. I always talk to my Aunt Lucia when I need
help. She’s always open to my questions and doesn’t judge the
decisions I make. I also know that the information I share with
her won’t be shared with anyone else—including my parents.
The
word “sex” means lots of different things to different people.
People use the word sex to mean lots of different activities that can
happen between a woman and a man, a man and a man, or a woman and a
woman. There are many ways to express yourself sexually. Different
kinds of touching, kissing and sex may feel good to you at different
times. But they always feel best when you feel safe, comfortable and in
control of the situation.
Sex can include lots of different kinds of activities. Some
activities have more risk than others and some feel more appropriate at
different times, but ALL of them are sex. You can read more information
about some of the activities that are a part of sex, and their risks
and benefits, by clicking here.
If you are having sex, or are thinking about it, here are some health-related issues to consider:
Sexually Transmitted Infections
STIs
(sometimes called STDs) are bacteria and viruses that are spread from
one person to another through vaginal, anal, and oral sex, and
sometimes through skin-to-skin contact. There are over 25 different
STIs that, if untreated, could cause serious health concerns in the
future. Most STIs can be prevented by using a latex or polyurethane
(plastic) condom, or a dental dam or plastic wrap (placed over the
vagina or anus for oral sex). For more information about sexually
transmitted infections and how to prevent them, click here.
Pregnancy
If you have sex without using a condom (or some other kind of birth control) from start to finish you could get pregnant. Putting a condom on after you start, pulling out, and douching are NOT effective ways to prevent pregnancy! For more information about kinds of birth control that you and partner can use to avoid getting pregnant, click here. For more information on what to do if you get pregnant, click here.
Talking to your Doctor
Sex is a private thing between you and your partner, but it is also a
big part of your current and future health, just like eating right, not
smoking, and exercising. So expect your doctor to ask you (in
private, with your parents OUT of the room) about your sex life as part
of your checkup, in order to find out about your risks for things like
STIs, pregnancy, and HIV.
If
they don’t, or if you don’t feel comfortable talking to your doctor,
call the Sexual Health Helpline at (877) MA-SEX-ED (877) 627-3933 or
check out our resources to find a teen-friendly health care provider
near you.
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Family
planning clinics provide low- or no-cost confidential clinical and
counseling services for women, men and teens in Massachusetts. Services
include birth control, emergency contraception, pregnancy testing, and
STI testing and treatment, and other medical exams.
Click here for all family planning agencies. |
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Gurl.com
Provides information on many topics including sex. There are fast
facts, games, comics, polls, quizzes and other fun and easy ways to get
your questions about sex answered.
visit site
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Sex Etc.
A site with great articles and information written by teens, for
teens. Also includes forums for discussing sex and questions you
have about sex and a sex terms glossary.
visit site
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Teen Wire
A site by Planned Parenthood for teens with articles, an “Ask the Experts” section, and quizzes, games and videos.
visit site
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Scarleteen
Scarleteen provides information for teens on a variety of sex related
topics, including anatomy, sexuality, STI's, relationships, pregnancy
and more. Answers questions, and provides "sexpert" information and
message boards along with books and resources.
visit site
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Young Men's Health
This site helps teen boys, their parents, teachers, and health care
providers improve their understanding of normal health and development,
as well as of specific diseases and conditions, and empowers them to
take an active role in their own health care.
visit site
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Young Women's Health
This site helps teen girls, their parents, teachers, and health care
providers improve their understanding of normal health and development
and empower them to take an active role in their own health care.
visit site
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